he is good.

"you are good, you are good
when there's nothing good in me"
(hillsong)


Music is my life, pretty much. So, I've decided to write some posts and expand on lyrics that I love.

Above is the beginning of the song "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. It's been on repeat for weeks now. I think I'm going to parse out the lyrics over the next few days.

As I get older, I'm realizing the extremely little amount of good that's inside of me. God is always perfect and good, even when I am SO blatantly not. I am realizing how sinful I am. But I'm also realizing that within that sin, God finds his victory.

I am flawed. Evil. A murderer of dreams. Impatient. Ugly. Harsh. Lonely. Lazy. Selfish. So, so, so selfish.

And the world is sad. There are more homeless people than my brain can begin to fathom. There are deformed babies. Cancer. Earthquakes. Abuse. Addicts. Prisoners who need to be set free.

Yet even in all of that, God is good.

Wait - what?

Sometimes (most of the time), this truth doesn't make sense. Not even CLOSE! But God doesn't promise to make sense. He promises healing, peace, comfort, grace, and insane, unending love (among many other things) - but never that everything will make perfect sense. I am so glad of this. If I could understand everything about God, well, he wouldn't be God.

So no matter the circumstances, HE. IS. GOOD.

"taste and see that the Lord is good" (psalm 34:8)
"give thanks to the Lord, for he is good" (psalm 136:1)
"how much more will your heavenly Father give good things?" (matthew 7:11)
"in all things God works for the good" (romans 8:28)
"God saw that it was good" (genesis 1, all the way through)

avoiding things

a.void - stay clear from; prevent the occurrence of; refrain from doing something.

I've been avoiding all kinds of things lately, and I can't figure out why.

I've avoided writing, cleaning, working out, reading - all things I absolutely love to do.

I've avoided family and friends - the people who love me.

I've avoided treatment and counseling - things i really need.

I've even avoided Jesus to an extent - the one I love more than anything.

This doesn't make sense. I don't even have reasons.

Maybe I'm being lazy? That's a valid possibility. Perhaps it's that I can't grasp the fact that I live in such a wonderful place now. I do feel like I'm on vacation. It's so gorgeous and amazing here all the time that it literally shocks me.

Maybe I'm sad? That's also a possibility. It's weird, because I'm happier than I've probably ever been. But I'm also really far away from everyone except Mark, and I don't have a therapist or doctor anywhere near here. I'm not getting treatment of any kind, and I know I should be. I might be in therapy for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. But I can't be in therapy if I don't have a therapist.

Maybe I'm scared? I'm definitely avoiding things I'm not good at, especially cooking. Maybe fear is why I'm avoiding writing, too...I don't know.

That's what it all boils down to in the end: I just don't know. The only thing I do know is that I need to spend time with Jesus to figure it out.

"Restless" by Audrey Assad has been on repeat all day.

Lyrics:

"You dwell in the songs that we are singing

rising to the heavens

rising to your heart, your heart

our praises filling up the spaces

in between our frailty

and everything You are, You are

the keeper of my heart

and I'm restless, I'm restless

'til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You

I am restless, I'm restless

'til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You

oh God, I want to rest in You

oh speak now, for my soul is listening

say that you have saved me

whisper in the dark, the dark

'cause I know You're more than my salvation

without You I am hopeless

tell me who You are, You are

the keeper of my heart

You are the keeper of my heart

still my heart, hold me close

let me hear a still, small voice

let it grow, let it rise

into a shout, into a cry"

So good. Thanks, Audrey.

hello colorado!

Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy. They got married, got a dog, and moved to Colorado.

So here we are. Littleton, Colorado: arguably the greatest place on earth.

I apologize (to myself, really) for the lack of blogging since we've been here...my computer crashed twice, and I'm getting my mom's MacBook in a couple of weeks. (!!!!!!!!!) But alas, no excuse. I'm finally on Mark's computer now to update on our Colorado adventures. Let's keep this short. (ish)

Verses that have become more real to me since we've moved: "taste and see that the Lord is GOOD; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing" (Psalm 34:8-9). These verses have always been a part of my life, but since coming to Colorado, I understand them more fully.

Three months ago (June 23): I had no idea what my life in Colorado would look like. Seriously, no inkling at all. The only certain things in my life were Jesus, Mark, Bandit, and an empty apartment.

Today (September 23): We live in an adorably furnished apartment, I have a job that I love with people whom I love, we've found an exciting, thriving church to attend, and I just went to a Bible study last night with girls I've only known for a couple of weeks. And it was fun.

Holy cow, God is SO GOOD! Do you realize this? I mean, really really realize it? He will never fail to provide for his servants seeking to glorify his name. I am living proof of this. Words cannot express how unbelievably content I am that we moved across the country. I have no doubt that this was his will for us!

*****
Some highlights to expand:
1) job- I am teaching preschool, and I am immensely enjoying it. I was worried to leave my job in Jackson, thinking I'd never find a job like that again. And while this new job hasn't replaced my old one (there's definitely still a hole in my heart for my kids in Jackson), I am learning a lot and loving a lot. I have 3-year-olds, which is a new age for me. It's interesting, because every age of preschool (birth-5 years) is drastically different. Children grow so much in such a short time! I'm really enjoying being able to teach my kids to write, read, and be independent. It's so fun to see them holding a pencil the right way, going to the bathroom by themselves, and finding their own social presence. Most people don't realize that all of this begins to happen at age 3, but it does!

2) church- We are attending The Rock of Southwest here in Littleton. It is awesome so far, and our Growth Group starts this coming Sunday. We have made friends with several of the couples in our group (including our leaders), and we can't wait to meet everyone else. God is doing great things for us! He has provided mightily, through absolutely no efforts apart from him.

3) Bible study- I joined a Bible study with some of the girls from my small group at church. We are all newly married, no children (except our dogs!), and in the same stage of life. We are studying Beth Moore's David: Seeking a Heart Like His. They were in the middle already, so I just joined in. I'm so grateful for these new sisters in Christ!

4) atmosphere- Life here in Colorado is crazy. Colorado is a place for dog-lovers, outdoors-obsessors, health-nuts - any extremist you can think of, really. And we love it. It's so us, and we are learning more about life here every day. As a true southern belle transplanted into the wild western Rocky Mountains, I'm sure I'll have many awesome stories over the next few years. I can't wait to see all that God is going to do and teach us! Isn't it amazing how many different cultures we have just here in the United States? What an awesome place to live!

5) writing- Being here has already inspired new ideas for my writing, and I'm excited to share some of them in coming blogs.

6) Mark- In short, Mark is love-love-loving his new job. He just started on September 1st, and all his work so far is just confirming that Financial Planning is one of the many things he was made to do. He still has to take the board exam for his CFP in November, so studying is still holding a strong presence in our household. Any prayers are greatly appreciated! He is working really hard, and I am so proud of him.

7) Bandit- If you follow me on twitter, you know that I am more in love with our furry little pumpkin than ever. He is my number one companion, and I just adore him! He has adjusted to living here even better than we have, with 4 times as much space as he had in Jackson, plus an awesome apartment complex to walk around multiple times a day. He enjoys meeting new dogs every day, because eeeeveryone has a dog here.

8) pictures- coming soon. (when I get my new computer!)

*****
So, there you have it.

Everything hasn't been a bed of roses, though. There are still emotional struggles, as there will always be! But God is resurrecting those things, and I am enjoying him working in the midst of pain.

"dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! this is what the sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life" (Ezekiel 37:4-5).

Praise him from whom all blessings flow, him who lavishes abundant life on us so willingly!

easter thoughts

(some unedited thoughts from Easter Sunday. just found them. rough, but exactly what I wrote.)

***

(April 24, 2011)

Death to life.

Death = sad. Pretty much all the time. Forever. Sometimes I think God allows death on earth so we know a taste of what He felt on Good Friday. ((&, IN TURN, the JOY He felt on SUNDAY!!!))

What is Easter about? Is it about us? Yes, it's about our reconciliation to God, but what is the why behind it? GOD'S CHARACTER. His perfection. Coming to make us Perfect so we can fellowship with Him in eternity. ((what about BEFORE JESUS? Who went to heaven? Hm. Did Jesus come & go get them out of hell? Or did the Holy Spirit work on their behalf maybe? What was the Holy Spirit doing in the Old Testament? I gues he dwelt in heaven with God and now he dwells with us?)) (& in heaven? Probably. He is God.)

So many questions still remain even on Easter. Because we're not God, I suppose. BUT ALSO because God is a mystery. All humans are drawn to mystery. Why is this? Because God leaves room to act. If there was a science to raising the dead, we'd want the power ourselves & duplicate it. (Because our hearts are evil. Black.) But GOD, in his white purity (a.k.a. PERFECTION), performs the GREATEST MIRACLE to reconcile us (his most BELOVED creation) to HIMSELF. Because of His great love & righteousness dwelling equally in Himself.

He leaves us in WONDER because wonder = awe. & awe = worship. If everything was explained, then God would not be God.

But these ARE the FACTS:
Jesus suffered beyond my comprehension. Any terrible situation I can imagine, "Good" Friday was WORSE. God's pain was WORSE. BUT THEN, he ROSE.

JOY UNENDING.

Can you imagine the sound of all the rejoicing angels?
Of the biggest party THERE HAS EVER BEEN?!?

Yeehaw! Cake & presents & JOY!!!

***

"You came to the world
for love of one like me
and though I am the worst of sinners
grace is all I see

freedom from these chains
my brokenness redeemed
love and mercy flowing down
to life eternally

how could I repay such a debt
except with my life
how could I giveanything
but sacrifice
sacrifice of praise

to the King, eternal, immortal
be all the glory forever, amen
to the King, eternal, immortal
be all the glory forever, amen

in plenty and in want
Your strength is all I need
and deep within these shadowlands
Your glory never leaves

my praise will go on and on and on."

-Natalie Grant, Song to the King

bzz bzz bzzzz

busyBUSYbusyBUSYbusyBUSY BEE. That's me right now.
Sidenote: I adore bees. Aren't they beautiful?

School is over, and I miss my kids desperately. I'm not allowing myself to think about it, though. Other things that are currently going on in my life:

1) I finally got to write some posts that have been plaguing my mind for a few weeks. (see the other 2 posts from today)

2) I read (more like devoured - 1200 pages in 5 days, while teaching) The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins. Wow. Props to you, Collins. I haven't read anything that good since Harry Potter. Seriously - I am changed.

3) I've been pinning things obsessively. Pinterest, thank you for existing.

4) I'm trying to break into Tumblr. I'm getting there.

Okay, all of these things are really just for my own pleasure. Most importantly:

5) I've started organizing things to be packed.

This is an exciting, painful reality. In less than a month, Mark and I will be residents in Littleton, Colorado. I've lived in Tennessee MY ENTIRE LIFE. I'm super duper excited. But I'm also shaking like a little leaf.

(Good thing I've got the Savior of the world on my side.)

Our new apartment is AMAZING, and that helps. It's huge, it's bright, it's everything we need. I can't wait to move in. I can't wait to be there with Mark and Bandit.
I can, however, wait to leave my family and friends. So here's to the next 22 days. Let's make them last.

Also: I need the world to know how much I absolutely, hopelessly, completely ADORE Mark Mogle. He makes my life so much better, and I can't imagine it without him. He is, without a doubt, the person God created for me, and I love him to heaven and back at least 37 million times.

shout it out

My life is such a paradox.

dark vs. light. black vs. white. evil vs. holy.

Constantly. I really do feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I try my hardest to listen to the angel, beg him to shout his advice so that it drowns out the evil whispers that come from the snake on the other side. Most of the time, light wins. But when the darkness comes, I curl up and wait for Jesus to come and get me out. Of course, he always does.

I realized that something was wrong with my brain when I was 14 years old. (wow - I was such a baby then.) Everything just snowballed into a mess, a mess of hurt, confusion, and denial. I lived somewhere in a continuum, denying reality and covering up everything that I felt.

I've already written about these things, though. The interesting thing is that my life still sways on that see-saw sometimes, back and forth: dark, light, dark, light.

But no one wants to pay attention to the dark part. Even though I've accepted it, have gotten help, and am on the road to recovery, everyone else in my life still pretends it doesn't exist. Whew, they think. She's on medicine now, she seems happy, we don't have to talk about it.

What if I want to talk about it, though?
Really, I don't want to talk about it. I just don't want to be treated like a leper.

Whenever my problems come to surface in a conversation, people start whispering things, like they don't want the rest of the world to hear. Even if we're in a room alone. Like when my mom was telling my sister why I got denied insurance. "Her anorexia," mom whispered, but loud enough for me, my dad, and Mark to hear. Your 3-year-old attempt at whispering doesn't help the situation. It just makes me feel even more like a freak.

I know the darkness hurts. Trust me, it hurts me more than you. But your denial hurts even more.

depression. anorexia. suicide. These are words I'm not proud of, but they are my reality.

BUT:
REDEMPTION. GRACE. HOLINESS. LIFE. These are the words I AM proud of, and they are also my reality! Through Jesus Christ and him alone!

No matter how much anyone denies it, my darkness is there. But because I know how deep darkness can be, the light is that much brighter. Not only is the light brighter, but it is absolutely essential to everything I am.

And THAT is worth shouting.

alzheimer's

Growing up, Mimi was more like another mother instead of a grandmother. My sister and I were at Mimi's house constantly. She played the piano at our church. She took us to birthday parties, to swim practice, to voice lessons. She fed us. Made clothes for us. On some rare occasions, I'm sure she disciplined us. I have no doubt that my own heart for others came directly from her, passing to and through my mom on the way.

Now, Mimi is unrecognizable. She can't dress or feed herself. She wears diapers. She never talks. More devastating, though, she doesn't know where she is, what day it is, or who is around her. My Mimi, formerly one of the smartest people I knew, now has no idea who I am. Even if she did remember me, the likelihood that she'd find any words to say is barely above zero. She is a victim to the monster of Alzheimer's disease, the worst thing that can possibly happen to someone.

I really do believe that, too. Worse than cancer, burying a child, or suffering from an addiction, Alzheimer's takes your brain and gradually just crushes it to pieces. To mush. And no matter what you do, you can't stop it.

(And I have, indeed, lost someone to cancer, have known people who have buried their own children - young and old alike, and have suffered myself from dangerous addictions. For me, Alzheimer's is the worst evil, although I realize there is no true or accurate measure.)

The process is slow and miserable. Mimi has gone from our innocent suspicions in 2002-2003 to full blown terminal dementia now in 2011. She lives in Maple Ridge, an assisted living center, and she will die there. When she was first diagnosed, we were saddened, even horrified - as we should have been. But at the time, there was no way we could've realized the pain this disease would bring.

The worst thing is watching what Alzheimer's does to my mom. She has had to take care of Mimi from day one, with no help from her brothers, or even my dad. My mom was the one who had to hide her keys, hire sitters, and go drive in the middle of the night when Mimi would call, convinced she "wasn't home." With her heart wrenching so hard I could feel it from miles away, my mom moved Mimi to her first assisted living center, holding back all her negative emotions so Mimi would have the best attitude possible.

"You won't have to clean your house anymore!"
"You'll make so many new friends there!"
"You won't have to cook!"
And the list went on. Walking through life with your mother gradually losing her mind is inexpressibly difficult.

So here we are, making visits when we can (my mom tries to go daily), chatting with the sitters, superficially including Mimi in the conversation like she actually has the ability to communicate.

"Sure is getting hot outside, right, Mimi?" someone will say, and the sitter jumps in, "Oh, yeah, we went outside yesterday but only stayed for about 10 minutes..."
"We had a really pretty Easter, didn't we, Mrs. Ford?" the sitter will say. "Oh, we did too..." and we all nod our heads in agreement. What else is there to do?

It's not romantic, like The Notebook, or funny, like everyone says. Sure, Mimi has said some funny things over the past 10 years. But really, it's just a whole lot of depression, confusion, uncertainty.

A few days ago, as I watched my mom desperately holding Mimi's hands, calling out to her for some response - any response - I had to hold myself back from just screaming out, "Jesus, this isn't fair!"

(Not in vain - I wanted Jesus, the very one who died to save my soul from eternal damnation, to hear the pain I was feeling at that moment. And any moment I think about the terrible, cruel, evil, mind-crushing disease.)

The real problem of the matter is that my Mimi was one of the godliest people I've ever known. I know there shouldn't be levels of holiness (and there aren't to God), but let's get real - we're human, and it's in our nature. Seriously, she was Jesus to me for so long. Why would this happen to someone so...good?

As I was mulling over all of this a few days ago, my attention was caught by two squirrels chasing each other up and down a tree. So swift, agile, exact. I watched in amazement as God showed me his wonderful precision in something so simple. Like so many times before, God pulled me from my pain and into his view.

My Mimi never once doubted the goodness of the Lord. And neither should I.

Even if God's way is confusing, that doesn't mean it isn't his plan. Even when darkness seems to overwhelm the light, that doesn't mean that it isn't good. Even when we lose our minds in pain, that doesn't mean that God isn't in the midst of it. He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up all wounds. Even the deepest ones. Even the ones beyond our control.

Thanks be to God, the healer. Amen.

sunday thoughts on trafficking

At this very moment, 4:59 pm on March 13, 2011, I am convicted.

Mark and I slept in through church today (my fault - I'm the one who gets us up on Sundays). I was so sad to see the clock say 10:00 when I finally stopped snoozing, but that was reality. So I got up, played with Bandit for a while, washed my face, made coffee...the usual weekend routine.

(Speaking of Bandit, here he is enjoying the sunshine with crazy hair:)

Anyway, back to my conviction.

I'm not convicted about sleeping through church (although I'm not happy that it happened). I'm convicted because I'm sitting here, warm in my apartment, watching I Love Lucy, typing happily on my computer.

And all the while, there are young children who are scared, alone, starving, being kidnapped, raped, drugged, and forced to work against their will. There are more slaves at this very moment than there have ever been in history.

The facts are sickening. There are millions of children, teenagers, and women who are being forced to have sex with perverted men who are willing to pay for it, right now at this second. Many are being forced to have sex over 20 times a day. They can't escape, or their families will die.

The reality is that my sweet puppy is safer than millions of children are. So much is wrong with this picture. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for being fed, warm, and loved. I'm trying not to. Guilt doesn't accomplish much.

But conviction does.

Right now, Mark and I don't really have much extra money. But one day we will, and you can bet your bottom penny that stopping human trafficking is at the top of my list of things to fund.

Not only to fund, but to give my time to. And really, my life.

Because it's not right for a child's innocence to be taken away. It makes my heart, mind, and stomach sick to no end.

I'm glad for this, though, because I have no doubt that Jesus feels the same way.

("For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me" (Matthew 25:35-36). This passage is nice and neat in my mind, but it's not at all. Jesus is talking about the starving, naked, diseased. Those who are dying of thirst, who are being molested, who are poor through no fault or choice of their own. SLAVES. People who have no rights. And we are called to visit, clothe, heal, look after, rescue.)

Jesus is the only one who can give us the strength and knowledge to help. I know that I have no power apart from the Holy Spirit. So for now, I pray, and I will continue to. Every single day, as many times as I can. These children and teenagers and women deserve better.

I will stay informed, and I will inform others. We live in the age of technology and social media...to claim that I didn't know is ignorant. So inform yourself, and take action. I don't think for a second that God will accept the excuse that we were simply "unaware." How much more selfish can we be?

Educate yourself, and get the word out. It just as easily could be happening to you.

Check out the videos and info at these sites (it's worth your time):

Human Trafficking Info

Stop Child Trafficking Now

Red With Love

Not For Sale

Think it's not in your backyard? Think again.

cleaning up my messes

My life is such a paradox right now. There are things that I can't seem to get a grip on at all. But then, there are other things that seem to have come together.

Like my thoughts, for instance. I have finally figured out how to organize them. This is HUGE. My secret: lists.

Not to-do lists (although those are good too), but lists OF things. Running lists. You're confused...I can sense it. Here, I'll share. Currently, I have running lists of the following things (yes, there are a lot):

1) Music (to download)
2) Shopping/Present Ideas (for me)
3) Things to Research
4) Things to Make
5) Books to Read/Authors to Search
6) Lyrics to Search
7) Future House Plans
8) Movies to get on DVD
9) Littleton/Denver Churches to visit
10) Blogs to keep up with
11) Stores/Online I Love
12) Recipes/Cooking Websites
13) Websites I Love
14) Good etsy shops
15) Animated Disney Movies (checklist of ones I own)
16) Quotes I Love
17) Camp Life: Ideas (will blog about this later...it's my newest vision)
18) Movies to See
19) Ending human trafficking sites

And that's it for now. Here's how it works...I carry my list notebook in my purse all the time, and when I have a thought, I write it down. Sounds simple, right? It is.

So what's the revolutionary part? People have been doing this for years. True, but I haven't, and I've needed to. I realize that listing is not for everyone, but I'm so happy I've discovered a way to think clearly, record those thoughts, and go on living my life. The lists all just run together. I'm not very OCD...for instance, I don't leave pages in between, I just go to the next page at the back and re-label it. Example: 5 pages in a row with these headings - Quotes I Love, Things to Research, Quotes I Love, Movies to See, Things to Research...et cetera. When I think of a new category, I just start a new list. This whole thing has been going on for a few months now, and it makes me ecstatic. I don't think anyone would be able to tell a change from the outside, but my crazy mind sure is more at ease.

Most other things in my life are a total mess, though. Actually, EVERYTHING else in my life is.

Let's start with our apartment...SHEESH. What.is.wrong.with.me? No matter how hard I try, I can't get it together. There are piles everywhere. Piles of crap, on counters, floors, couches. In corners, drawers, shelves. It's overwhelming. The thing is, though - I don't like it this way. I truly do want it to be different. But, as I said to Mark earlier tonight, "Intentions aren't reality." I've got to change this reality soon, or Mark will die. (Okay, not really die, but he will be really frustrated with me.)

Our bathroom even needs to be cleaned, which irks me to no end. I despise dirty bathrooms. I had a thought earlier, though...last weekend, Mark and I went to Birmingham for his mom's wedding, and we stayed with his brother one night. His brother's bathroom was dirty (not extremely by any means; he just lives with guys, so I wasn't surprised), and I found myself sitting there analyzing the floorboards and the sink handles and things. How ridiculous, because when I got home later that afternoon, I noticed that our bathroom looked the exact same, if not worse. It's funny, huh - when it's your own dirt, you don't notice it nearly as much, and you're not as bothered by it. Hm.

The discipline in my life is a total wreck, too. I'm completely off. I'm trying to be good in this area by making a standard daily to-do list (separate notebook, also in my purse), but I am failing miserably. Yikes. There seriously aren't enough hours in the day...I'm going to start sleeping less.

There hasn't been a day since the new year has started that I haven't been utterly exhausted, though. After keeping a 5 month old, an almost 3 year old, and teaching 12 almost three year olds every day, I am W.I.P.E.D. O.U.T. in the worst way. After 7 pm, I'm useless.

It's getting late, and this blog doesn't make much sense or have a point. In other news, it's Bandit's BIRTHDAY! My sweet stinky pumpkin baby is ONE YEAR OLD. (Only moms understand those ridiculous names.) I am still as in love as ever.

My exhaustion is taking over. Blah. I'll end with this:

Every time I see this it brings me unspeakable joy.

striving to be whole

So many things are going through my mind right now.

Mark and I just got denied insurance coverage for an individual policy. Why? Because of me, and my pre-existing conditions.

I've had an eating disorder and been depressed since I was 14 years old. That's 9 years. I started treatment for both things just over a year ago, in late 2009. At that time, we were on Union University's group insurance, because that's where Mark was working.

Well, less than a week ago, Mark quit his job for good, to study full time in preperation for our big move to Colorado. We've prayed fervently about this decision, and we have no doubt it's what God wants. Mark has been researching the details of insurance coverage painstakingly for months. I wish I could express how much effort he's put into this. He wants us to be taken care of. He wants me to be taken care of. He's the best husband in the universe.

We just got off the phone with the insurance people from Humana (who, by the way, made it sound like my eating disorder/depression treatment history wouldn't cause a problem. The agent made it seem like NBD - you know, just easy-breezy-lemon-squeezy. Yeah, more like squeeze-the-lemon-juice-in-our-eyes.), who couldn't even tell Mark why they denied me. I know that's a legal thing, but it still makes me feel singled out. Then I pick up the phone, they call me "Mary," (and I want to shout "THAT'S NOT MY NAME"), and they tell me I'm being denied coverage because of my problems that I hate. But to make it "all better," she tells me that I can be reconsidered if I send some proof that I've been recovered from everything for at least 8 years.

8 YEARS? Oh, okay, let me call my doctor really quick.
Yeah, right.

I feel awful about this for so many reasons. On the surface, I feel stupid for even dealing with these things in the first place. Deeper, I feel attacked because this launched a long conversation between Mark and my mom about trying to avoid treatment at all cost. Don't they know how hard it was for me to admit I needed treatment in the first place? Or are they saying my problems aren't serious and they're really trying to hint at my hypochondriac tendencies? And even deeper, I've been in a funk lately, so now all I can think about is how I better figure out a way to get out on my own. (Not to mention how I have a huge, underlying complex that Mark is embarrassed of me because of all the problems I have and because of the things I've been through.)

EEEK. What a mess.

And the worst part about it all is that all these feelings just make me want to quit eating, curl up into a ball, and cry myself to death. So, here we are in this vicious cycle, like a song I hate on repeat. (This brings to my mind the mystery of how "Stay Fly" became one of the songs in my most played list. I don't even like that song.)

Looooooong sigh. Time to pick myself up again.

No matter how big of a mess I am, God is greater. He is bigger, and he wants me to be treated for the things I struggle with, because if I don't get treated, then it will hinder progress of expanding his kingdom. He doesn't want his servants to be incapacitated, starving, weeping nobodies. He wants us to be victorious, holy, WHOLE SOMEBODIES. At the end of the day, that whole somebody is who I want to be.

I have a new dream: I want to start an orphanage/children's home for any neglected children, especially children who have been sex trafficked. This "industry" breaks my heart, and I feel like God is calling me to do something about it. Anything.

And whatever that anything may be, I'm willing for God to make me into the somebody who can do it.

(read more about my struggles and treatment here, here, here, and/or here.)

t minus 5 months

This time next year, I will be a resident of the state of Colorado. Wow.

I am SOSOSO EXCITED. Mark and I are moving to Littleton, right outside of Denver. (Yes, where the Columbine shooting was.) Every single thing about this area of the country is worth obsessing over. Seriously. The weather is perfect, the scenery is ridiculous, the people are friendly, the presence of nature is intoxicating. AH. I am completely, positively, absolutely in love.

There's one fact that has been staring me in the face lately, though: Colorado is reallysupercrazily far away from Tennessee. This fact has mean eyes, and it even growls. I don't like it at all.

There's positives about this, too, though. Mark and I will grow in ways we never could if we stayed here. Being so far away from comfort also forces us to depend on God. And I have no doubt that this move is in the very center of God's will for our lives. That alone is comfort enough.

I'm trying my hardest to let my excitement overshadow any worries I might have.

Okay - let's be real here - of course I have worries.

I want a job exactly like I have now. I want Mark to love his new job. I want to raise a wonderful family, have beautiful children in an excellent school system, and have an awesome support group of friends.

All of these things may be God's plan for us. But, there's a chance that God's plan won't include any of those things at all. His plan is perfect, though, and I have to trust him.

Littleton, Colorado: we're comin' for you. Get ready.

puppies and sparrows

Well, here I am, on another new blog. I'm Rachael, and if you want to know more about me, read my old stuff. The links are on the previous post.

I have a lot of things bouncing around in my head to write, but I can't seem to get too strong of a grip on any of them. So, this post may or may not make sense. I'm the only one who reads this, though, so, here are my thoughts - understandable or not.

I haven't written about Bandit in a while. He's growing up; I feel like we've had him so much longer than 8 months. He's a little booger, too! He'll steal your food or chew up your most prized possession in less than a second. But no matter how many things we lose, he's worth it. The love he brings our little family is immeasurable.

Here's what he looks like these days:

So cute, I know. I'm in love.

In other news, I've started a new job - nannying two of THE MOST precious girls in the world. I will post some pictures of them soon. Their names are Sophie and Liza King, 2 (almost 3!) years old and 4 months old, respectively. I am so grateful for this job. Honestly, words can't even express it. They pay me well, they are the sweetest people I think I've ever come into contact with, and I'm getting so much experience for when I have my own children. Before I started, with being a pre-school teacher and just naturally taking care of kids my whole life, I knew a whole lot - but I didn't know everything. Now, I feel like I do. A few things I've learned that I didn't know before:

1) How to put carseats in cars.

2) How to put the kids IN the carseats in the car.

3) How to give a baby a bath.

4) How to swaddle a baby.

5) How to make formula.

There's a lot more, but those are the things off the top of my head. I absolutely A-D-O-R-E taking care of these girls. All I want to do is be a mommy, for the rest of time.

Sophie is almost 3 years old, and she has taught me so much about life. (To see another lesson from her, see this post.) Lately, she has really started making sentences. I know that kids have to make mistakes in order to learn, but I find it interesting that she consistently makes the same ones. For instance, she never says "she" or "he"; she always says "her" or "him," even in the subject. Examples: "Her's crying," "Him's ate all the popcorn," "Her wants you to put her down." (Yes, these are all actually sentences from the Sophie herself.) It makes me wish I understood more about how kids develop linguistic skills. But, since I don't, I just enjoy how cute it is.

As I was driving home from their house Thursday, though, I started thinking: Sophie's sentences are a lot like my life - everyone's, really. When I hear her talk, I often think, "So close, but just not quite right." I wonder how many times a day God looks down here to earth and thinks that about his humans. Billions, at least.

No matter how hard I try, there will always be things that aren't exactly quite right about my life. That's what grace is for. And that's why I need Jesus - to make everything holy when I am so glaringly not.

This is no excuse for me to slack, though. If I did, my love for my Savior wouldn't be very passionate. But just when I think I have it all together, he reminds me that I don't.

Today is the anniversary of the tornado that ripped apart my life 3 years ago. It hit Union University, destroying 80% of our dorms and causing over 40 million dollars of damage. But not one life was lost.

In all that debris, all that chaos, not one life was lost. God still had it all under control. And he always does. At the end of the day, he's the only one who can get everything exactly where it's supposed to be, working every detail out perfectly while he saves all of mankind. Wow...what a hero.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Matthew 10:29-30).

and...action.

Once upon a time, I had a blog. Then I made another one. Then I made another one.

And now I'm making another one.

Wordpress won't let you design your own templates and things. I think this is stupid. So, blogger, I'm back. Good to see you again.