shout it out

My life is such a paradox.

dark vs. light. black vs. white. evil vs. holy.

Constantly. I really do feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I try my hardest to listen to the angel, beg him to shout his advice so that it drowns out the evil whispers that come from the snake on the other side. Most of the time, light wins. But when the darkness comes, I curl up and wait for Jesus to come and get me out. Of course, he always does.

I realized that something was wrong with my brain when I was 14 years old. (wow - I was such a baby then.) Everything just snowballed into a mess, a mess of hurt, confusion, and denial. I lived somewhere in a continuum, denying reality and covering up everything that I felt.

I've already written about these things, though. The interesting thing is that my life still sways on that see-saw sometimes, back and forth: dark, light, dark, light.

But no one wants to pay attention to the dark part. Even though I've accepted it, have gotten help, and am on the road to recovery, everyone else in my life still pretends it doesn't exist. Whew, they think. She's on medicine now, she seems happy, we don't have to talk about it.

What if I want to talk about it, though?
Really, I don't want to talk about it. I just don't want to be treated like a leper.

Whenever my problems come to surface in a conversation, people start whispering things, like they don't want the rest of the world to hear. Even if we're in a room alone. Like when my mom was telling my sister why I got denied insurance. "Her anorexia," mom whispered, but loud enough for me, my dad, and Mark to hear. Your 3-year-old attempt at whispering doesn't help the situation. It just makes me feel even more like a freak.

I know the darkness hurts. Trust me, it hurts me more than you. But your denial hurts even more.

depression. anorexia. suicide. These are words I'm not proud of, but they are my reality.

BUT:
REDEMPTION. GRACE. HOLINESS. LIFE. These are the words I AM proud of, and they are also my reality! Through Jesus Christ and him alone!

No matter how much anyone denies it, my darkness is there. But because I know how deep darkness can be, the light is that much brighter. Not only is the light brighter, but it is absolutely essential to everything I am.

And THAT is worth shouting.