avoiding things

a.void - stay clear from; prevent the occurrence of; refrain from doing something.

I've been avoiding all kinds of things lately, and I can't figure out why.

I've avoided writing, cleaning, working out, reading - all things I absolutely love to do.

I've avoided family and friends - the people who love me.

I've avoided treatment and counseling - things i really need.

I've even avoided Jesus to an extent - the one I love more than anything.

This doesn't make sense. I don't even have reasons.

Maybe I'm being lazy? That's a valid possibility. Perhaps it's that I can't grasp the fact that I live in such a wonderful place now. I do feel like I'm on vacation. It's so gorgeous and amazing here all the time that it literally shocks me.

Maybe I'm sad? That's also a possibility. It's weird, because I'm happier than I've probably ever been. But I'm also really far away from everyone except Mark, and I don't have a therapist or doctor anywhere near here. I'm not getting treatment of any kind, and I know I should be. I might be in therapy for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. But I can't be in therapy if I don't have a therapist.

Maybe I'm scared? I'm definitely avoiding things I'm not good at, especially cooking. Maybe fear is why I'm avoiding writing, too...I don't know.

That's what it all boils down to in the end: I just don't know. The only thing I do know is that I need to spend time with Jesus to figure it out.

"Restless" by Audrey Assad has been on repeat all day.

Lyrics:

"You dwell in the songs that we are singing

rising to the heavens

rising to your heart, your heart

our praises filling up the spaces

in between our frailty

and everything You are, You are

the keeper of my heart

and I'm restless, I'm restless

'til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You

I am restless, I'm restless

'til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You

oh God, I want to rest in You

oh speak now, for my soul is listening

say that you have saved me

whisper in the dark, the dark

'cause I know You're more than my salvation

without You I am hopeless

tell me who You are, You are

the keeper of my heart

You are the keeper of my heart

still my heart, hold me close

let me hear a still, small voice

let it grow, let it rise

into a shout, into a cry"

So good. Thanks, Audrey.