Today, I started clearing our garden to prepare for planting. We didn't plant last year and it's already June, so the weeds are as high as my knees. I only finished about a fourth of that job. My back hurts already, and I'm still a long way from actually being able to plant things. After the clearing, we'll have to till the soil, buy new topsoil, pick out our plants, and, finally, put them in their new homes. I wish I could have started this process a month ago, but we've been out of the country for two weeks. If I'd planted anything before we left, it would have died while we were gone. Summer weather came late, too, so there wasn't really an opportunity to prepare anything before now.
I can't believe summer is already here again. It seems like 2016 just started, and it's already halfway over.
Summer always brings intense emotions for me, all across the spectrum. Grief, loneliness, contentment, joy. Grief from wishing I could be at camp. Loneliness from long days spent at home, trying to create something worthwhile. Contentment from more time with Bandit, Mark, and Jesus. Joy from making memories that can only be made in the summer - sprinklers, lawn mowers, traveling, late sunsets.
I've wanted to "be a writer" since I was eight years old, yet I still haven't created anything that I'm especially proud of. It would be a lie to say I've written nothing of value, because I know I have. But I'm still so far from creating the big stories that live in my dreams. I'm on the edge of changing that, though.
So we begin again. Another summer is here, but this is the summer of dreams becoming reality. I'm trusting in Jesus to pull me through, because I know I can't do it on my own. Honestly, there's very little in me that thinks I can actually accomplish this right now. I'm not feeling particularly capable. Or disciplined. Or focused. Or brave.
But I learned in college and therapy and books to take things one challenge at a time. So, that is what I will do. I will write, even if all I accomplish in one sitting is a fourth of the weeding. I won't get lost in the giant scheme of it all. I'll just focus on pulling one weed at a time.
