striving to be whole

So many things are going through my mind right now.

Mark and I just got denied insurance coverage for an individual policy. Why? Because of me, and my pre-existing conditions.

I've had an eating disorder and been depressed since I was 14 years old. That's 9 years. I started treatment for both things just over a year ago, in late 2009. At that time, we were on Union University's group insurance, because that's where Mark was working.

Well, less than a week ago, Mark quit his job for good, to study full time in preperation for our big move to Colorado. We've prayed fervently about this decision, and we have no doubt it's what God wants. Mark has been researching the details of insurance coverage painstakingly for months. I wish I could express how much effort he's put into this. He wants us to be taken care of. He wants me to be taken care of. He's the best husband in the universe.

We just got off the phone with the insurance people from Humana (who, by the way, made it sound like my eating disorder/depression treatment history wouldn't cause a problem. The agent made it seem like NBD - you know, just easy-breezy-lemon-squeezy. Yeah, more like squeeze-the-lemon-juice-in-our-eyes.), who couldn't even tell Mark why they denied me. I know that's a legal thing, but it still makes me feel singled out. Then I pick up the phone, they call me "Mary," (and I want to shout "THAT'S NOT MY NAME"), and they tell me I'm being denied coverage because of my problems that I hate. But to make it "all better," she tells me that I can be reconsidered if I send some proof that I've been recovered from everything for at least 8 years.

8 YEARS? Oh, okay, let me call my doctor really quick.
Yeah, right.

I feel awful about this for so many reasons. On the surface, I feel stupid for even dealing with these things in the first place. Deeper, I feel attacked because this launched a long conversation between Mark and my mom about trying to avoid treatment at all cost. Don't they know how hard it was for me to admit I needed treatment in the first place? Or are they saying my problems aren't serious and they're really trying to hint at my hypochondriac tendencies? And even deeper, I've been in a funk lately, so now all I can think about is how I better figure out a way to get out on my own. (Not to mention how I have a huge, underlying complex that Mark is embarrassed of me because of all the problems I have and because of the things I've been through.)

EEEK. What a mess.

And the worst part about it all is that all these feelings just make me want to quit eating, curl up into a ball, and cry myself to death. So, here we are in this vicious cycle, like a song I hate on repeat. (This brings to my mind the mystery of how "Stay Fly" became one of the songs in my most played list. I don't even like that song.)

Looooooong sigh. Time to pick myself up again.

No matter how big of a mess I am, God is greater. He is bigger, and he wants me to be treated for the things I struggle with, because if I don't get treated, then it will hinder progress of expanding his kingdom. He doesn't want his servants to be incapacitated, starving, weeping nobodies. He wants us to be victorious, holy, WHOLE SOMEBODIES. At the end of the day, that whole somebody is who I want to be.

I have a new dream: I want to start an orphanage/children's home for any neglected children, especially children who have been sex trafficked. This "industry" breaks my heart, and I feel like God is calling me to do something about it. Anything.

And whatever that anything may be, I'm willing for God to make me into the somebody who can do it.

(read more about my struggles and treatment here, here, here, and/or here.)

t minus 5 months

This time next year, I will be a resident of the state of Colorado. Wow.

I am SOSOSO EXCITED. Mark and I are moving to Littleton, right outside of Denver. (Yes, where the Columbine shooting was.) Every single thing about this area of the country is worth obsessing over. Seriously. The weather is perfect, the scenery is ridiculous, the people are friendly, the presence of nature is intoxicating. AH. I am completely, positively, absolutely in love.

There's one fact that has been staring me in the face lately, though: Colorado is reallysupercrazily far away from Tennessee. This fact has mean eyes, and it even growls. I don't like it at all.

There's positives about this, too, though. Mark and I will grow in ways we never could if we stayed here. Being so far away from comfort also forces us to depend on God. And I have no doubt that this move is in the very center of God's will for our lives. That alone is comfort enough.

I'm trying my hardest to let my excitement overshadow any worries I might have.

Okay - let's be real here - of course I have worries.

I want a job exactly like I have now. I want Mark to love his new job. I want to raise a wonderful family, have beautiful children in an excellent school system, and have an awesome support group of friends.

All of these things may be God's plan for us. But, there's a chance that God's plan won't include any of those things at all. His plan is perfect, though, and I have to trust him.

Littleton, Colorado: we're comin' for you. Get ready.

puppies and sparrows

Well, here I am, on another new blog. I'm Rachael, and if you want to know more about me, read my old stuff. The links are on the previous post.

I have a lot of things bouncing around in my head to write, but I can't seem to get too strong of a grip on any of them. So, this post may or may not make sense. I'm the only one who reads this, though, so, here are my thoughts - understandable or not.

I haven't written about Bandit in a while. He's growing up; I feel like we've had him so much longer than 8 months. He's a little booger, too! He'll steal your food or chew up your most prized possession in less than a second. But no matter how many things we lose, he's worth it. The love he brings our little family is immeasurable.

Here's what he looks like these days:

So cute, I know. I'm in love.

In other news, I've started a new job - nannying two of THE MOST precious girls in the world. I will post some pictures of them soon. Their names are Sophie and Liza King, 2 (almost 3!) years old and 4 months old, respectively. I am so grateful for this job. Honestly, words can't even express it. They pay me well, they are the sweetest people I think I've ever come into contact with, and I'm getting so much experience for when I have my own children. Before I started, with being a pre-school teacher and just naturally taking care of kids my whole life, I knew a whole lot - but I didn't know everything. Now, I feel like I do. A few things I've learned that I didn't know before:

1) How to put carseats in cars.

2) How to put the kids IN the carseats in the car.

3) How to give a baby a bath.

4) How to swaddle a baby.

5) How to make formula.

There's a lot more, but those are the things off the top of my head. I absolutely A-D-O-R-E taking care of these girls. All I want to do is be a mommy, for the rest of time.

Sophie is almost 3 years old, and she has taught me so much about life. (To see another lesson from her, see this post.) Lately, she has really started making sentences. I know that kids have to make mistakes in order to learn, but I find it interesting that she consistently makes the same ones. For instance, she never says "she" or "he"; she always says "her" or "him," even in the subject. Examples: "Her's crying," "Him's ate all the popcorn," "Her wants you to put her down." (Yes, these are all actually sentences from the Sophie herself.) It makes me wish I understood more about how kids develop linguistic skills. But, since I don't, I just enjoy how cute it is.

As I was driving home from their house Thursday, though, I started thinking: Sophie's sentences are a lot like my life - everyone's, really. When I hear her talk, I often think, "So close, but just not quite right." I wonder how many times a day God looks down here to earth and thinks that about his humans. Billions, at least.

No matter how hard I try, there will always be things that aren't exactly quite right about my life. That's what grace is for. And that's why I need Jesus - to make everything holy when I am so glaringly not.

This is no excuse for me to slack, though. If I did, my love for my Savior wouldn't be very passionate. But just when I think I have it all together, he reminds me that I don't.

Today is the anniversary of the tornado that ripped apart my life 3 years ago. It hit Union University, destroying 80% of our dorms and causing over 40 million dollars of damage. But not one life was lost.

In all that debris, all that chaos, not one life was lost. God still had it all under control. And he always does. At the end of the day, he's the only one who can get everything exactly where it's supposed to be, working every detail out perfectly while he saves all of mankind. Wow...what a hero.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Matthew 10:29-30).

and...action.

Once upon a time, I had a blog. Then I made another one. Then I made another one.

And now I'm making another one.

Wordpress won't let you design your own templates and things. I think this is stupid. So, blogger, I'm back. Good to see you again.